Ephesians & Marriage: Love, Respect and Submission

I just started reading a book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs called Love & Respect.  It is talking about this vicious cycle that many of our marriages fall into.  Women crave and need love.  Men need respect.  If a woman does not feel love from her man, she will most likely not give him respect.  In turn if he does not feel respected, he will often react in unloving ways towards his wife.  So we spiral down in this crazy cycle and unless someone chooses to step out and break it it will be never ending.

A verse quoted in the book which I think I've always glossed over is Ephesian 5:33

However, each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Wow - can't be much clearer than that!  I decided to read this verse in context and skipped back up to verse 22 and reread Ephesians 6 from verse 22 to 33.  Interesting how many new things popped up to me.

The first verse speaks of the wife submitting to the husband.  I know this verse has been a huge contention for many before.  We hear the word submission or submit and cringe.  But God has given me this word over my life this year and I'm beginning to see it in a new light.  For me I'm learning to submit to His Love this year.  To truly understand and accept how much He loves me unconditionally.  Seems pretty easy on the surface, but for some reason I've been programmed all my life to feel that I have to perform for love.  I have to do something to earn the love of others.  So this is a new concept for me.  I've known for quite awhile that God's salvation, forgiveness and mercy were free gifts.  But I'm just beginning to understand that His love is also a free gift.

But I digress.  I know many who will recognize verse 22 about wives submitting to their husbands, but only if verse 25 is fulfilled.  Verse 25 tells husbands to love their wives the same as Christ loves the Church.  This is true, husbands should love their wives in this way.  However, stating that you won't submit to your husband until he shows you the love detailed in verse 25 is putting us right back into that crazy downward spiraling circle - the Love & Respect cycle.

So, once again - someone has to step out and decide the marriage is more important than their "rights".  Someone has to step out and say - "Lord, I know you want me to love my spouse unconditionally, just as you love me.  Even if in the world's eyes he/she does not deserve it!"  Will you choose to be this person?  Will you choose during those tough times instead of clinging to your rights, to go to the Lord and ask Him for strength and to fill you with love for your spouse?  To help you to see them through His eyes?

Today, a good friend of mine explained that the original meaning of the word submit was actually to come up from beneath someone and to give them support.  This makes so much sense.  As wives we were created to be our husband's helpmeet.  That is why God created Eve for Adam and nothing has changed since then.  It makes sense that as wives we are to submit, to come up under our husbands and support them.  To do this we must show them respect and unconditional love - even when we don't believe they deserve it.  We can only do this through the strength of the Lord.

Now, given our husbands are not perfect and we should not follow them into something that goes against the Lord, however if we truly learn to turn to God in submitting to our husband, respecting them and loving them, He will be faithful to show us in those circumstances how to stand for Him and His Truth in a way that is loving and respectful. 

In the end, it all comes back to the Lord.  He is the one asking us to submit to our husbands and He is the one who will show us how to do so and give us the strength to do it.  And in the end, He will bless us, our husbands and our marriages if we are obedient.

Grieving the Holy Spirit

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
~Ephesians 4:29-32

We read this at church last week and one person mentioned how the command to not grieve the Holy Spirit is smack dab in the middle of these verses which deal with how we speak and what we harbor in our hearts toward others. Therefore, when we allow unwholesome talk to proceed from our mouths or let bitterness, rage, anger and so forth, fester in our hearts, we are not only hurting those we are directing these things at, we are grieving the Holy Spirit. We are causing our Lord to grieve.

I don't know about you, but I don't want to be the cause of grief for my Lord. I know in reality I already am - every time I sin I grieve Him (which is why I'm so grateful for His mercy and grace). But for scripture to point this out so clearly in these verses makes me think that these are things I should pay careful attention to in my life.

God specifically pointed out these things to me the other night (read Hatred and Bitterness) in regards to two people in particular (at work). This is something that with His Strength I need to address. However, I also need to remember to apply this to those I profess to love the most. Sometimes we treat those we love the most, the worst - we so easily take them for granted.

That is one of my main purposes for this blog, to nuture a thankful heart towards my dear husband, no matter what is going on in our lives. When I let the things in the verses above rule my life and my relationship with my husband it has some very serious consequences which in the past I never dwelt on. Hateful words spoken in anger or frustration (whether "deserved" or not) grieve my husband which in turn harms my marriage. They also grieve my Lord which in turn harms my relationship with Him as well.

In order to ensure I remember this during those times when I find my natural inclination is to lose my patience and lash out at others, I'm going to write these verses down on a few index cards and post them where I will be able to be continually reminded about them (work, bathroom mirror, in my car). We are told to hide God's Words in our heart, I think these words are a good start.