Advice to My Younger Self

Dineen and Lynn just started a new endeavor over at SUM called the Intentional Marriage.  I was fortunate to be able to watch their first live broadcast and it was amazing.  I'm so excited for this new project.  I believe God's fingerprints are all over this and it will bring hope and inspiration to many women and help to bring healing to many marriages.

Each month we viewers will have a chance to participate by doing a meme challenge.  This month's challenge was to look back to our wedding day and give our younger selves advice about what we've learned over the past years.  It can be humorous, practical or just a positive bit of wisdom that we wished we had known back then.

I just celebrated 15 years of marriage last month to my high school sweetheart.  As I look back to my younger self (and I was young - only 20!) I know there are so many many things that I have learned, but the last few days I've found it hard to put these things into words.  I wish I could say I've got it all figured out now and that if I had the opportunity to step into a time machine I could tell my younger self everything I need to know to ensure I live happily ever after.  But alas, we live in reality, not a fairy tale.  And even 15 years later I don't have it all figured out yet.   I imagine in 15 more years I may only be slighthly less lost than I am now.

However, as I sit here a few things do come to mind.  Things I've learned that I wish I had discovered earlier in order to avoid some pain and heartache - both mine and my husband's.

First, I probably would have waited a bit longer.  Heather over at Behind the Scenes gave this advice and I could not agree with her more.  I'm not sure that I would not have married my beloved if I had waited a while longer - although I think I still may have.  However, more time to get to know each other better would probably have helped us to avoid many obstacles we've dealt with over the years.  We were both very young and really did not yet know what we wanted for our lives.  We were high school sweethearts and suddenly found ourselves in a long distance relationship when my beloved went to Arizona for school, while I stayed behind in Washington State.  I had alot of insecurities back then that I've just started to work through recently.  Those same insecurities I believe caused me to rush into a marriage that most likely would have benefited from knowing one another a bit better before we started trying to share a small 480 sq ft university housing apartment.  Don't get me wrong, I don't regret marrying my husband and I still love him dearly.  However, I think we both would have avoided alot of misunderstandings and pain if we had taken the time to really get to know one another before we were married. 

Second, I would remind myself that we do not live in a fairy tale.  Love is not just an emotion, it is a choice we make daily.  It is a putting aside of ourselves to understand the needs of the other person.  Marriage is not 50/50 like I thought back then.  We both need to give 100% or more to make it work, even if the other person is not giving or putting forth their fair share.  Marriage is not about holding grudges and it is not about keeping score.  It is about trying to look past our own insecurities and offenses to understand the person with whom we have chosen to share our lives.

I often look back to that first couple years we were married and I'm amazed we survived.  We went from seeing each other every 6 - 9 months to living in a very very small apartment.  We fought over everything, including whose toothbrush went in which hole in the holder.  People would ask how long we'd been married and when we told them they would smile and make a remark about the "honeymoon" stage.  I remember looking at my husband thinking if this was the honeymoon stage, we were in trouble!  I think part of the problem is that we did not communicate much before we were married.  Neither of us had realistic expectations and neither of us knew or understood the other's expectations.  I joke now that when we first married my reaction was "We are married!  Now we will spend every minute together!" while my husband's reaction was "We are married!  Now I can spend more time with my friends without feeling like I'm neglecting her."  Needless to say, that did not get us off to a good start.

I'm learning more and more every day how important honest and open communication is in a marriage.  We can't expect the other person to read our minds or even read between the lines.  And in addition, to communication we need to work on not getting offended.  We need to try to look past our hurt feelings to understand what is driving our spouse.

As part of this month's challenge, Lynn also encouraged us to post pictures from our wedding day.  So here are a few of my favorites.  I had to take pictures of my pictures with my phone so please look past the weird color and fuzziness.

Our 1st Dance as Husband & Wife

Today's Thankful Heart - The Greatest Love

Today I am thankful because I am loved by my Lord.  I am his princess, His greatest love.  I am his favorite.  And guess what?  So are you, and so are each of my beloved family members.  My kids and my husband.  Knowing that you are so loved and that your entire family is so loved by such an awesome and powerful God is amazing.  Think about it.  If you are loved this much by someone who created the world and is willing to die for you, who HAS died for you, what is there to fear?  What is there to worry about?

So how do I know this?  Because the Lord tells us in His Word how much we mean to Him.  The most recent verse I've found regarding this is Zephaniah 3:17

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. ~ Zephaniah 3:17

This is such an awesome verse and is packed full of so many gems.  First it tells me God is with me and He will save me.  He has already saved me, and He will continue to do so.  I've know this for a long time, but the next parts are what touch my heart so deep inside.  It says he takes delight in me.  No, not just delight, He takes GREAT delight in me.  It says He will quiet me with his love, I have nothing to worry about when someone this great loves me.  And then it finishes by saying He will rejoice over me with singing.  As women, I think most, if not all of us, would admit that a man writing and singing a love song to us would melt our hearts.  Now imagine the Creator of the World creating and singing a love song just for you.   Even when I mess up royally, He still loves me, still delights in me and still sings a love song of rejoicing over me. 

And I take even more comfort knowing that He loves my children and my husband with the same fiery love that He has for me.  How amazing!  No matter how much I love them and want what is best for them, it is but a shadow of what He feels for them.

I feel like I'm just gushing on this post, but then what else can you do when faced with such an amazing love.  Have you been here before?  Have you been given that revelation yet as to how very much our Creator loves and cherishes you?  If not, ask Him to show you.  He wants to, you know.  He's just waiting for you to ask and open your heart to Him.

No matter where you are in your life, no matter what you have done, He wants to show you His love.  Don't feel like you have to have things figured out and your act cleaned up to know His love.  Knowing His love is what is going to transform you.  He will clean up your messes as He cleans your heart.  He does this through His love for you.  Ask Him to show it to you, open your heart to Him no matter what you may think it looks like, because I have a secret for you.  He already knows what is deep down in that heart of yours, even better than you do and he STILL loves you more than anything in the world.  Allow His love to transform you, to comfort you, to sing over you.

Unanswered Prayers - It's NOT about me! (or you!)

A friend of mine is doing a series about Unanswered Prayers.  On Friday she did a post called, It's NOT About Me! which I found very profound and convicting.  I recommend you check it out.  Even if your husband is a Believer I think there are some good nuggets in this post for you.  Things in your husband's life, his relationship with God, where you may feel tempted to put in your two cents at times.

I can't tell you how many times I've been in the same situation, how many times I've caught myself thinking about how much easier it would be on me if my husband would just submit to the Lord.  And each time, if I listened carefully I would hear the Lord saying "it's not about you, my dear!"

How true.  I need to remember that my husband's relationship with God is between him and God.  I am not part of that equation.  I'm called to love him and pray for him, period!

Ephesians & Marriage: Love, Respect and Submission

I just started reading a book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs called Love & Respect.  It is talking about this vicious cycle that many of our marriages fall into.  Women crave and need love.  Men need respect.  If a woman does not feel love from her man, she will most likely not give him respect.  In turn if he does not feel respected, he will often react in unloving ways towards his wife.  So we spiral down in this crazy cycle and unless someone chooses to step out and break it it will be never ending.

A verse quoted in the book which I think I've always glossed over is Ephesian 5:33

However, each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Wow - can't be much clearer than that!  I decided to read this verse in context and skipped back up to verse 22 and reread Ephesians 6 from verse 22 to 33.  Interesting how many new things popped up to me.

The first verse speaks of the wife submitting to the husband.  I know this verse has been a huge contention for many before.  We hear the word submission or submit and cringe.  But God has given me this word over my life this year and I'm beginning to see it in a new light.  For me I'm learning to submit to His Love this year.  To truly understand and accept how much He loves me unconditionally.  Seems pretty easy on the surface, but for some reason I've been programmed all my life to feel that I have to perform for love.  I have to do something to earn the love of others.  So this is a new concept for me.  I've known for quite awhile that God's salvation, forgiveness and mercy were free gifts.  But I'm just beginning to understand that His love is also a free gift.

But I digress.  I know many who will recognize verse 22 about wives submitting to their husbands, but only if verse 25 is fulfilled.  Verse 25 tells husbands to love their wives the same as Christ loves the Church.  This is true, husbands should love their wives in this way.  However, stating that you won't submit to your husband until he shows you the love detailed in verse 25 is putting us right back into that crazy downward spiraling circle - the Love & Respect cycle.

So, once again - someone has to step out and decide the marriage is more important than their "rights".  Someone has to step out and say - "Lord, I know you want me to love my spouse unconditionally, just as you love me.  Even if in the world's eyes he/she does not deserve it!"  Will you choose to be this person?  Will you choose during those tough times instead of clinging to your rights, to go to the Lord and ask Him for strength and to fill you with love for your spouse?  To help you to see them through His eyes?

Today, a good friend of mine explained that the original meaning of the word submit was actually to come up from beneath someone and to give them support.  This makes so much sense.  As wives we were created to be our husband's helpmeet.  That is why God created Eve for Adam and nothing has changed since then.  It makes sense that as wives we are to submit, to come up under our husbands and support them.  To do this we must show them respect and unconditional love - even when we don't believe they deserve it.  We can only do this through the strength of the Lord.

Now, given our husbands are not perfect and we should not follow them into something that goes against the Lord, however if we truly learn to turn to God in submitting to our husband, respecting them and loving them, He will be faithful to show us in those circumstances how to stand for Him and His Truth in a way that is loving and respectful. 

In the end, it all comes back to the Lord.  He is the one asking us to submit to our husbands and He is the one who will show us how to do so and give us the strength to do it.  And in the end, He will bless us, our husbands and our marriages if we are obedient.

Love Dare - Love is not Irritable

Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.  ~ Proverbs 16:32

This dare has really spoken to me today.  This relates to not only my marriage, but my entire family.  I want to be less irritable with my husband and my children.  I want to do less yelling and more loving of my family, showing them grace and letting God's love flow through me to them.

According to the Love Dare book, there are two contributing reasons to irritability.  The first is stress.  While I do have this in my life, it is not to the extent that I've had in the past.  So you would expect my irritability with my family would have lessened over the past year.  But this does not seem to be the case.

The second reason was selfishness.  This is usually due to lust (being ungrateful for what you have and burning with desire for things you don't have), bitterness, greed and pride.  Ouch!  I think this is where my irritability stems from, pride probably being the biggest culprit.

In Matthew 12:34 Jesus says "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks."  If this is true (and since it is God's words, it is) then what is in my heart is not good.

So, the question is how to change this.  I need my heart so filled with God's love that it overflows into all areas of my life.  The key is love.  As my heart is filled with God's love the selfishness and therefore the irritability will fade from my life.

Recently I came across a suggestion to find 40 verses in the Bible about anger.  To write them down and then read them at least 2 times a day aloud for 40 days.  By the end of that time the verses would begin to be written on your heart and at times when irritability begins to rise you will be able to use these verses.  I really like this idea and have begun a search for my 40 verses.

However, last night as I thought on this more I realized that while these verses are the Words of God and therefore, full of power, they would only help to keep down the irritability and anger in my heart.  They would in a way just be a mask or a reactive solution to the root cause.  Memorizing these verses are definitely good, but I felt there needed to be more.

I need to fill my heart with God's love so there is no room for the selfishness that breeds irritability and anger instead of just learning how to fight these emotions/reactions.  How do I do this? 

It came to me that this is why I've been studying David and his heart for God.  The way to fill my heart with God's love is to pursue His heart and His emotions.  To understand His love for me.  So I decided in addition, to these 40 verses dealing with anger, I'm going to search Scriptures for 40 verses regarding God's unfailing and passionate love for me and I will read those 2 times a day as well. 

I believe if I begin to start and end my days with verses about how much the Lord loves me even in my weakest moments, this may finally really sink into my mind and heart.  At that point I won't be able to help but return the same love to the Lord.  As His love fills my heart and life I will find more patience and peace with my family - those I love the most.

Improving your Marriage by Gazing Upon Him

I've recently started a study of David and his heart for God.  I have a desire to one day stand before my Lord and hear the words "Well done my good and faithful servant.  You are a woman after my own heart."

I posted about gazing on God's beauty on my other blog today and how the more I pursue and understanding of God's heart, emotions and love for me the greater my love for Him grows.  As this love grows my desire to follow Him and spend time with Him also grows.  I don't need to earn His love nor can I.  I don't have to work to be a "good" christian because as I realize how passionate he is about me I will naturally walk closer with Him.

Now you may ask - why post here if I already posted on my other blog tonight about this?  The reason is because focusing on God's beauty and His heart not only draws me closer to Him, it draws me closer to my dear husband.  As I gaze upon God and pursue an understanding of His heart, I am naturally filled with love for Him.  This love overflows into my other relationships as well.

I've found that as I fall more and more in love with my Lord, I'm also falling in love with my husband all over again.  Those giddy high school girl feelings that I had 17 years ago when he would walk in the room are coming back.  I'm focusing on all the things I love about him instead of those things that annoy me.  And I'm doing this without any effort because it is just coming naturally, like it did when we first started dating.  It is amazing!

So today - my advice for each of you out there who wants to improve your relationship with your husband is to pursue an understanding of God's love for you.  As you do, His love will fill you and overflow onto your husband.  As you gaze upon the Lord, He will open your eyes and heart to see yourself and your beloved in a new light.

Prayer Attitudes - Are my Prayers the Problem?

I'm not sure about others reading this, but my hubby can be a bit moody at times. I joke with him that men get PMS just like women, they just won't admit to it like we do.

He is actually a pretty quiet guy most of the time, which means when things are not good he usually gets even quieter. I've learned that one of my love languages is words of affirmation. This and experiences growing up have resulted in my being very sensitive to the tone of others. I tend to be very aware of someone's tone of voice when they are speaking to me and unfortunately if I am not careful I tend to take it personally - so if someone is not happy I try to "fix" it.

This annoys my hubby to no end. If he is having a bad day he is very quiet. The problem is, if he is upset with me he acts pretty similar. He shuts me out and gives me the silent treatment. So sometimes it is hard for me to tell the difference between him being upset with me and him just having a bad day. I have a tendency to ask him several times if he is okay and if he is upset with me. If he is not upset with me already, he is after my asking that a few times. So I've been trying to work on that.

The past few days he has been a bit "moody" again. We are a bit tight on finances like many and I know that stresses him out. In addition, we had to put our dog down a couple days ago. We've had her for 11 1/2 years and although we knew this was coming it was a bit hard. I think it was even harder on him seeing how our daughter took it. So I think this is all getting him down.

It is hard sometimes when he is like this to know how to act. Do I just give him his space and leave him alone or do I just act cheerful and happy, as if I don't notice that he is pouting and having a snappy tone towards me? Most times it seems like whatever I choose, it is the wrong choice.

I've been trying very hard lately to pray about this. My problem many times is I just don't know how to handle this in the best way. I need wisdom and discernment just to know what to do in these situations (as opposed to times when I know what I should do, I just don't want to do it! But that is a whole other post!)

So last night on my way home I called my hubby to see if he needed me to pick up anything. I knew just from that short conversation that he was in a "mood" again. So I found myself starting to pray on my way home. That is good since in the past my automatic reaction would have been to steam all the way home about how rude he was. By the time I got home I would have worked myself up so that a fight was inevitable. But my first reaction last night was to pray.

"Dear Lord, please give me wisdom and discernment in how to deal with my husband when I get home."

All of a sudden it hit me! I almost put on my brakes in the middle of the freeway without realizing it! Maybe part of the problem is my prayers!? It was like a bolt of lighting from God hit me with understanding. I resumed praying again, but changed one word -

"Dear Lord, please give me wisdom and discernment in how to LOVE my husband when I get home."

God showed me even my attitude while praying is important. Asking Him to show me how to "deal" with my husband was still putting the emphasis on me. I was being selfish - just caring about how I could get through the evening without "losing it". I was feeling sorry for myself and becoming the martyr in the relationship again. Instead I need to focus on how to LOVE my husband. How to show him that no matter what his day has been like, I love him and care for him - and that I will continue to do so no matter what.

Talk about humbling! Everytime I start to think that I have this "good" wife thing down - God sends another bolt of discernment my way - revealing yet another part of my selfishness - which in turn makes me realize even more so how amazing his grace is towards me!