Contract vs. Covenant Marriage

I have a question for you? You don't have to answer aloud, but I would encourage you to really think about it and examine yourself for the answer to this question. If you are married, is your marriage a contract or a covenant? How are you living out your marriage?

I've searched multiple sources for the definition of these two words and the basics come down to this:

Contract - an agreement between two parties, which creates obligations to do or not to do specific things which are outlined in the agreement. Designed to protect each person's interests in the event the other party fails to fulfill his or her obligations.

Covenant - a formal, solemn and binding agreement to engage in or refrain from a specific action.

On the surface these may not seem to be much different from one another, but upon further digging a few things stood out to me.  In regards to a contract, the purpose is to protect each person in case the other person does not perform their obligations.  Each party goes into the contract looking for specific things from the other party and the contract details out how they will be "made whole" if the other party does not give them what is expected.  In other words, both parties go into this agreement looking out for themselves and trying to protect themselves.

A covenant on the other hand has a different purpose.  I like the way Tim Alan Gardner states it in his book "Sacred Sex":

A covenant is an agreement made by choice, it's an agreement made by commitment, and it's an agreement that is in no way dependent upon what the other party does.

See the difference?  A covenant is a commitment that is made to another party and the actions of the person making the covenant are not dependent upon the other person's actions.  Each person is going into the covenant with a commitment to the other person, the focus is on the other person, not themselves.  The other characteristic I noted about a covenant is that it is given by one party and the other party chooses whether or not to accept it.  However, the acceptance by the second party does not change the commitment of the first party.  And the most profound difference I found between a covenant and a contract is that a covenant is to be permanent and irrevocable.  Since each party's commitment is not dependent upon the other party's performance, there is nothing that negates the commitment. 

An example of a covenant is given to us by Adonai Himself.  He has made a covenant with us by giving His Son to redeem us.  His side has already been committed and performed.  It is now up to us to choose to accept that covenant.  If we do not, it does not change what He has already done.  He won't revoke what He has done or go back on what He has committed to us, just because we don't accept his offer.  Instead He continues to love us and waits patiently for the time when we will accept His offer and repent.  At that time He freely gives us His forgiveness and redeems us.  Regardless of our acceptance He still loves us and continues to give us the choice.  He will not revoke the choice He has laid before us.

Marriage is to be a shadow of the relationship Adonai longs to have with us.  He created marriage as a way for a man and a woman to enter into a covenant relationship and become one flesh.  Marriage as it was intended by the Creator consists of:

1. Focus on the needs of our spouse, not on ourselves
2. Our performance is not based on the performance of our spouse, we can't justify neglecting our commitment based on their behavior.  Even if they choose to no longer accept our love and forgiveness, we must still offer it.
3. Our commitment is permanent and irrevocable (once again, regardless of our spouse's actions)

When the Pharisees tried to trick Yeshua (Jesus) by asking him about divorce he answered them in Matthew 19

"Haven't you  read that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and that he said, 'For this reason a man should leave his father and mother and be united with his wife and the two are to become one flesh'?  Thus they are no longer two, but one.  So then, no one should split apart what God has joined together."

Unfortunately, our world has muddied the true intention of marriage.  Even Webster's dictionary lists as one of the definitions of a contract to be "the act of marriage or an agreement to marry".  Our world sees marriage as a contract in which either party can walk away if they deem the other has not performed. 

Although different studies show slightly different numbers, most all agree that divorce rates are high - between 40-50% for 1st marriages and even higher for second and third marriages.  I truly believe this is due to our society's incorrect views on marriage.  Today's world teaches us that marriage is a contract, something that we enter into with certain expectations of our needs/wants being met.  When that does not happen we believe we have every right to hold back from fulfilling our commitments since our spouse has not performed theirs to our satisifaction.  This leads to a downward spiral where both spouses begin to hold out more and more and become even more self-focused because they see the other spouse as having failed them.  In the end this leads to either two people who are legally bound together but despise one another and are filled with bitterness or it leads to divorce. 

The Free Dictionary (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/) defines divorce as "a complete or radical severance of closely connected things."  If Adonai created marriage to join two flesh to become one, then divorce is a rending or tearing, a complete or radical severance of one flesh!  What kind of picture does that leave in your mind?

The Creator's intention for marriage acknowledges that we are human and will fail one another at times.  But because we enter into marriage with a focus on the other person, with an irrevocable commitment to them regardless of how they "perform" or if they are even willing to accept our commitment, we are able to look past their actions and offer forgiveness.  This is a hard model to follow though and quite honestly goes against our basic human nature which focuses on self.  We have to make a conscience effort to look past ourselves, our needs, our hurts and focus on the needs of the other person.  It is not natural for us, however it is the only way to truly make a marriage work.  To truly become one flesh we must see our spouse as being a part of us and therefore worthy of being forgiven and having their needs met.  Quite honestly, I don't believe this can be done without Adonai's Strength (but that is a subject for another post).

So today, I come back to my question.  Is your marriage a contract marriage or a covenant marriage?  How do you live it out daily?  And here is the catch - if, as you answer that question you find yourself looking more to how your spouse treats you and what type of marriage it is based on their actions, or you find yourself justifying your actions based on theirs - then you are living out a contract marriage.  If you are truly living out a covenant marriage with your spouse, you will do so, even if they are living out a contract marriage towards you.

Believe me, I know first hand how impossible this seems, but with God all things are possible.  And if we are obedient to Him and His purposes, He will give us the strength and discernment to accomplish them.  And that is when His blessings in our life and our marraige will begin to flow.

Advice to My Younger Self

Dineen and Lynn just started a new endeavor over at SUM called the Intentional Marriage.  I was fortunate to be able to watch their first live broadcast and it was amazing.  I'm so excited for this new project.  I believe God's fingerprints are all over this and it will bring hope and inspiration to many women and help to bring healing to many marriages.

Each month we viewers will have a chance to participate by doing a meme challenge.  This month's challenge was to look back to our wedding day and give our younger selves advice about what we've learned over the past years.  It can be humorous, practical or just a positive bit of wisdom that we wished we had known back then.

I just celebrated 15 years of marriage last month to my high school sweetheart.  As I look back to my younger self (and I was young - only 20!) I know there are so many many things that I have learned, but the last few days I've found it hard to put these things into words.  I wish I could say I've got it all figured out now and that if I had the opportunity to step into a time machine I could tell my younger self everything I need to know to ensure I live happily ever after.  But alas, we live in reality, not a fairy tale.  And even 15 years later I don't have it all figured out yet.   I imagine in 15 more years I may only be slighthly less lost than I am now.

However, as I sit here a few things do come to mind.  Things I've learned that I wish I had discovered earlier in order to avoid some pain and heartache - both mine and my husband's.

First, I probably would have waited a bit longer.  Heather over at Behind the Scenes gave this advice and I could not agree with her more.  I'm not sure that I would not have married my beloved if I had waited a while longer - although I think I still may have.  However, more time to get to know each other better would probably have helped us to avoid many obstacles we've dealt with over the years.  We were both very young and really did not yet know what we wanted for our lives.  We were high school sweethearts and suddenly found ourselves in a long distance relationship when my beloved went to Arizona for school, while I stayed behind in Washington State.  I had alot of insecurities back then that I've just started to work through recently.  Those same insecurities I believe caused me to rush into a marriage that most likely would have benefited from knowing one another a bit better before we started trying to share a small 480 sq ft university housing apartment.  Don't get me wrong, I don't regret marrying my husband and I still love him dearly.  However, I think we both would have avoided alot of misunderstandings and pain if we had taken the time to really get to know one another before we were married. 

Second, I would remind myself that we do not live in a fairy tale.  Love is not just an emotion, it is a choice we make daily.  It is a putting aside of ourselves to understand the needs of the other person.  Marriage is not 50/50 like I thought back then.  We both need to give 100% or more to make it work, even if the other person is not giving or putting forth their fair share.  Marriage is not about holding grudges and it is not about keeping score.  It is about trying to look past our own insecurities and offenses to understand the person with whom we have chosen to share our lives.

I often look back to that first couple years we were married and I'm amazed we survived.  We went from seeing each other every 6 - 9 months to living in a very very small apartment.  We fought over everything, including whose toothbrush went in which hole in the holder.  People would ask how long we'd been married and when we told them they would smile and make a remark about the "honeymoon" stage.  I remember looking at my husband thinking if this was the honeymoon stage, we were in trouble!  I think part of the problem is that we did not communicate much before we were married.  Neither of us had realistic expectations and neither of us knew or understood the other's expectations.  I joke now that when we first married my reaction was "We are married!  Now we will spend every minute together!" while my husband's reaction was "We are married!  Now I can spend more time with my friends without feeling like I'm neglecting her."  Needless to say, that did not get us off to a good start.

I'm learning more and more every day how important honest and open communication is in a marriage.  We can't expect the other person to read our minds or even read between the lines.  And in addition, to communication we need to work on not getting offended.  We need to try to look past our hurt feelings to understand what is driving our spouse.

As part of this month's challenge, Lynn also encouraged us to post pictures from our wedding day.  So here are a few of my favorites.  I had to take pictures of my pictures with my phone so please look past the weird color and fuzziness.

Our 1st Dance as Husband & Wife

Even a Great Husband Makes a Very Poor God - Lisa TerKeurst

A dear friend of mine shared this article today and I wanted to repost it here because I thought it was very pertinent to the purpose of my blog.  This is a short read, but very thought provoking for someone already married or someone who plans to get married someday (even if they don't have their future spouse picked out yet).  As I read it I teared up and smiled at the truths she shares, especially the parts about what marriage does not mean and what marriage does give us.  Very true words and a great reminder.  Please take a few moments to read this article and share any thoughts or comments.

Lysa TerKeurst - Even a Great Husband Makes a Very Poor God

Ephesians & Marriage: Love, Respect and Submission

I just started reading a book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs called Love & Respect.  It is talking about this vicious cycle that many of our marriages fall into.  Women crave and need love.  Men need respect.  If a woman does not feel love from her man, she will most likely not give him respect.  In turn if he does not feel respected, he will often react in unloving ways towards his wife.  So we spiral down in this crazy cycle and unless someone chooses to step out and break it it will be never ending.

A verse quoted in the book which I think I've always glossed over is Ephesian 5:33

However, each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Wow - can't be much clearer than that!  I decided to read this verse in context and skipped back up to verse 22 and reread Ephesians 6 from verse 22 to 33.  Interesting how many new things popped up to me.

The first verse speaks of the wife submitting to the husband.  I know this verse has been a huge contention for many before.  We hear the word submission or submit and cringe.  But God has given me this word over my life this year and I'm beginning to see it in a new light.  For me I'm learning to submit to His Love this year.  To truly understand and accept how much He loves me unconditionally.  Seems pretty easy on the surface, but for some reason I've been programmed all my life to feel that I have to perform for love.  I have to do something to earn the love of others.  So this is a new concept for me.  I've known for quite awhile that God's salvation, forgiveness and mercy were free gifts.  But I'm just beginning to understand that His love is also a free gift.

But I digress.  I know many who will recognize verse 22 about wives submitting to their husbands, but only if verse 25 is fulfilled.  Verse 25 tells husbands to love their wives the same as Christ loves the Church.  This is true, husbands should love their wives in this way.  However, stating that you won't submit to your husband until he shows you the love detailed in verse 25 is putting us right back into that crazy downward spiraling circle - the Love & Respect cycle.

So, once again - someone has to step out and decide the marriage is more important than their "rights".  Someone has to step out and say - "Lord, I know you want me to love my spouse unconditionally, just as you love me.  Even if in the world's eyes he/she does not deserve it!"  Will you choose to be this person?  Will you choose during those tough times instead of clinging to your rights, to go to the Lord and ask Him for strength and to fill you with love for your spouse?  To help you to see them through His eyes?

Today, a good friend of mine explained that the original meaning of the word submit was actually to come up from beneath someone and to give them support.  This makes so much sense.  As wives we were created to be our husband's helpmeet.  That is why God created Eve for Adam and nothing has changed since then.  It makes sense that as wives we are to submit, to come up under our husbands and support them.  To do this we must show them respect and unconditional love - even when we don't believe they deserve it.  We can only do this through the strength of the Lord.

Now, given our husbands are not perfect and we should not follow them into something that goes against the Lord, however if we truly learn to turn to God in submitting to our husband, respecting them and loving them, He will be faithful to show us in those circumstances how to stand for Him and His Truth in a way that is loving and respectful. 

In the end, it all comes back to the Lord.  He is the one asking us to submit to our husbands and He is the one who will show us how to do so and give us the strength to do it.  And in the end, He will bless us, our husbands and our marriages if we are obedient.

Love Dare - Introduction

Last night I read the Introduction to the Love Dare book and did some journaling. Today as I reflected over these things I decided there are some questions I need to ask myself.

In the introduction the authors state that God created marriage to be a beautiful and priceless gift which He uses to help us:

• eliminate lonliness
• multiply our effectiveness
• establish families
• raise children
• enjoy life
• bless us with relational intimacy

In addition they talk about how marriage "shows us our own need to grow and deal with our own issues and self centeredness through the help of a lifelong partner." They then go on to say that the world tells us to follow our hearts, but we should instead be leading our hearts. If we are not leading it then someone or something else will lead it.

"The truth is, love is a decision, not just a feeling. It is selfless, sacrificial and transformational."

As I reflected on these things, and prepared myself to begin this Love Dare again, I thought it wise to do some self-reflection. To ask myself the following quesitons and rate myself in my marriage on each of these items. I'm not going to share my "ratings" here with you (that is for my personal journal - and to be honest I've not fully determined my ratings yet!). However, I am going to share the questions with you here and encourage you to ask yourself the same things.

I agree with what the authors are saying above about marriage and must honestly ask myself if these purposes for marriage are being accomplished in my life and if not, what do I need to do to change that? And I need to ask myself, am I willing to admit that I need to change - as opposed to assuming my husband needs to change. And finally, am I willing to allow God to change me?

1. Does my marriage elminate lonliness in my life? In my husband's life?

2. Does my marriage multiply the effectiveness of myself and my husband?

3. Is my marriage establishing a family?

4. Is my marriage allowing my husband and I to raise our children they way we want to?

5. Does my marriage help both of us to enjoy life?

6. Has our marriage blessed us with relational intimacy?

7. Has my marriage caused me to identify my own need to grow and deal with my own issues and self-centeredness? Have I even begun to make changes to do so?

8. Do I allow my husband to help me with identifying these things in my life and with making the changes?

9. Do I see my husband as my lifelong partner? Do I treat him as such? Does he see himself as my lifelong partner? Does he see me as his?

10. Do I follow my heart or do I lead it? If I follow it, what or who does lead it?

11. Is love a feeling or decision for me?

12. Is my love selfless? sacrificial? transformational?

Love Dare - Getting Started

I've recently went through the Love Dare with a group of other women. While doing this I decided this "dare" can have benefits in my life far surpassing just my marriage, although that is the most important. I've decided to go back through the book and the dares myself, but at a slower pace in order to let each dare really sink in and become a part of my life. I think this may end up being a 120 day dare. I've also decided this is something I want to revisit at least once a year.

As I go back through this book, I've decided to blog what I learn here. I plan to be very transparent as long as it does not disrespect my dear husband or our marriage in anyway. I've also decided to start a journal to my beloved which I pray someday I am able to give to him. For now, I'm just writing in it what I'm learning through these dares and expressing my love and appreciation for him.

I hope you'll consider joining me in this journey and please feel free to leave any comments you may have. My ultimate goal is to learn what true unconditional love is as the Lord reveals things to me through these dares.