Advice to My Younger Self

Dineen and Lynn just started a new endeavor over at SUM called the Intentional Marriage.  I was fortunate to be able to watch their first live broadcast and it was amazing.  I'm so excited for this new project.  I believe God's fingerprints are all over this and it will bring hope and inspiration to many women and help to bring healing to many marriages.

Each month we viewers will have a chance to participate by doing a meme challenge.  This month's challenge was to look back to our wedding day and give our younger selves advice about what we've learned over the past years.  It can be humorous, practical or just a positive bit of wisdom that we wished we had known back then.

I just celebrated 15 years of marriage last month to my high school sweetheart.  As I look back to my younger self (and I was young - only 20!) I know there are so many many things that I have learned, but the last few days I've found it hard to put these things into words.  I wish I could say I've got it all figured out now and that if I had the opportunity to step into a time machine I could tell my younger self everything I need to know to ensure I live happily ever after.  But alas, we live in reality, not a fairy tale.  And even 15 years later I don't have it all figured out yet.   I imagine in 15 more years I may only be slighthly less lost than I am now.

However, as I sit here a few things do come to mind.  Things I've learned that I wish I had discovered earlier in order to avoid some pain and heartache - both mine and my husband's.

First, I probably would have waited a bit longer.  Heather over at Behind the Scenes gave this advice and I could not agree with her more.  I'm not sure that I would not have married my beloved if I had waited a while longer - although I think I still may have.  However, more time to get to know each other better would probably have helped us to avoid many obstacles we've dealt with over the years.  We were both very young and really did not yet know what we wanted for our lives.  We were high school sweethearts and suddenly found ourselves in a long distance relationship when my beloved went to Arizona for school, while I stayed behind in Washington State.  I had alot of insecurities back then that I've just started to work through recently.  Those same insecurities I believe caused me to rush into a marriage that most likely would have benefited from knowing one another a bit better before we started trying to share a small 480 sq ft university housing apartment.  Don't get me wrong, I don't regret marrying my husband and I still love him dearly.  However, I think we both would have avoided alot of misunderstandings and pain if we had taken the time to really get to know one another before we were married. 

Second, I would remind myself that we do not live in a fairy tale.  Love is not just an emotion, it is a choice we make daily.  It is a putting aside of ourselves to understand the needs of the other person.  Marriage is not 50/50 like I thought back then.  We both need to give 100% or more to make it work, even if the other person is not giving or putting forth their fair share.  Marriage is not about holding grudges and it is not about keeping score.  It is about trying to look past our own insecurities and offenses to understand the person with whom we have chosen to share our lives.

I often look back to that first couple years we were married and I'm amazed we survived.  We went from seeing each other every 6 - 9 months to living in a very very small apartment.  We fought over everything, including whose toothbrush went in which hole in the holder.  People would ask how long we'd been married and when we told them they would smile and make a remark about the "honeymoon" stage.  I remember looking at my husband thinking if this was the honeymoon stage, we were in trouble!  I think part of the problem is that we did not communicate much before we were married.  Neither of us had realistic expectations and neither of us knew or understood the other's expectations.  I joke now that when we first married my reaction was "We are married!  Now we will spend every minute together!" while my husband's reaction was "We are married!  Now I can spend more time with my friends without feeling like I'm neglecting her."  Needless to say, that did not get us off to a good start.

I'm learning more and more every day how important honest and open communication is in a marriage.  We can't expect the other person to read our minds or even read between the lines.  And in addition, to communication we need to work on not getting offended.  We need to try to look past our hurt feelings to understand what is driving our spouse.

As part of this month's challenge, Lynn also encouraged us to post pictures from our wedding day.  So here are a few of my favorites.  I had to take pictures of my pictures with my phone so please look past the weird color and fuzziness.

Our 1st Dance as Husband & Wife

Today's Thankful Heart - 7/8/09

No worries - I've not totally dropped the Love Dare. Things have been crazy here, but I'm still going to be posting on these. In the meantime though I figured it has been WAY too long since I've posted here.

Today I thank the Lord for:

• Being part of an amazing homeschool co-op with some wonderful families. The Lord is so much at work in this. I've been slowly getting the curriculum for my daughter (3rd grade) and my eldest son (K) for next year and I'm so excited to get started again. It is lots of work, but so worth it and rewarding!

• Kingdom Builder Books - this is a little local family owned Christian used bookstore. They are a homeschooling family and sell homeschool curriculum. I just ordered the last of my daughter's curriculum which will not be covered by the charter school (b/c the publisher is Christian). It is such a blessing that we have found this store!
  

• Have a wonderful job - everyday I'm so thankful for my new position at work. I feel so tremendously blessed. I appreciate it so much more because I've been in positions in the past years which I did not care for the work, had less than pleasant managers and/or worked horrible overtime during month and quarter ends. Now I am even so much more thankful for a job which I love to do and feel like I'm actually contributing something useful to the company, a manager who is wonderful and no more long hours which make my kids forget who I am!

• My husband - I can't leave him out. I'm daily thankful for this wonderful man the Lord has chosen to place in my life. Today I had to go into work early so he got the boys all ready by himself (he usually does most of it in the mornings anyway). Then tonight I had plans to meet with my cousin for a bit and he picked the boys up from daycare and had them fed before I got home. Even more amazing is that he does many of these things on pretty much a daily basis.
  

Today's Thankful Heart - March 16th

I've not been posting much lately on any of my blogs. But that is NOT because I'm not thankful. In fact it is just the opposite. I've had so much to be thankful for but with that I've been extremely busy and my blogging has suffered.

So today I'm thankful for, praise God for:

• My new job - I've just recently finished the training of my replacement for my previous position at my work and I also just finished my last quarter end. I'll still be affected a bit by quarter ends, but not in such a way that my children don't see me for 2 weeks at a time. This is my first full week working in my new position and I am loving it. The work keeps me busy and I am really enjoying what I do. And my new manager is great!
• My parents - My parents are down visiting right now. Our three children are their only grandchildren and the kids love that grandpa & grandma are having a "sleep-over" with us. I wish we saw them more often.
• My husband - He is an amazing guy. I now have a bathroom with not only a wall and shower that has been fixed, but one that looks like a spa. I also have a new mattress and bedroom set which he was able to find for next to nothing which is beautiful. My hubby is amazing even without these things, but I realize more and more every day that I am blessed. He takes wonderful care of myself and our family even right now when things are tight for us. Words can not even express how much I love him and how much I appreciate all he does for us. My mom just got my youngest a pair of pajamas that say "My Daddy is my Hero!" All I can say is that I love that my children look up to my husband as their hero and he is my hero as well.

Prayer Attitudes - Are my Prayers the Problem?

I'm not sure about others reading this, but my hubby can be a bit moody at times. I joke with him that men get PMS just like women, they just won't admit to it like we do.

He is actually a pretty quiet guy most of the time, which means when things are not good he usually gets even quieter. I've learned that one of my love languages is words of affirmation. This and experiences growing up have resulted in my being very sensitive to the tone of others. I tend to be very aware of someone's tone of voice when they are speaking to me and unfortunately if I am not careful I tend to take it personally - so if someone is not happy I try to "fix" it.

This annoys my hubby to no end. If he is having a bad day he is very quiet. The problem is, if he is upset with me he acts pretty similar. He shuts me out and gives me the silent treatment. So sometimes it is hard for me to tell the difference between him being upset with me and him just having a bad day. I have a tendency to ask him several times if he is okay and if he is upset with me. If he is not upset with me already, he is after my asking that a few times. So I've been trying to work on that.

The past few days he has been a bit "moody" again. We are a bit tight on finances like many and I know that stresses him out. In addition, we had to put our dog down a couple days ago. We've had her for 11 1/2 years and although we knew this was coming it was a bit hard. I think it was even harder on him seeing how our daughter took it. So I think this is all getting him down.

It is hard sometimes when he is like this to know how to act. Do I just give him his space and leave him alone or do I just act cheerful and happy, as if I don't notice that he is pouting and having a snappy tone towards me? Most times it seems like whatever I choose, it is the wrong choice.

I've been trying very hard lately to pray about this. My problem many times is I just don't know how to handle this in the best way. I need wisdom and discernment just to know what to do in these situations (as opposed to times when I know what I should do, I just don't want to do it! But that is a whole other post!)

So last night on my way home I called my hubby to see if he needed me to pick up anything. I knew just from that short conversation that he was in a "mood" again. So I found myself starting to pray on my way home. That is good since in the past my automatic reaction would have been to steam all the way home about how rude he was. By the time I got home I would have worked myself up so that a fight was inevitable. But my first reaction last night was to pray.

"Dear Lord, please give me wisdom and discernment in how to deal with my husband when I get home."

All of a sudden it hit me! I almost put on my brakes in the middle of the freeway without realizing it! Maybe part of the problem is my prayers!? It was like a bolt of lighting from God hit me with understanding. I resumed praying again, but changed one word -

"Dear Lord, please give me wisdom and discernment in how to LOVE my husband when I get home."

God showed me even my attitude while praying is important. Asking Him to show me how to "deal" with my husband was still putting the emphasis on me. I was being selfish - just caring about how I could get through the evening without "losing it". I was feeling sorry for myself and becoming the martyr in the relationship again. Instead I need to focus on how to LOVE my husband. How to show him that no matter what his day has been like, I love him and care for him - and that I will continue to do so no matter what.

Talk about humbling! Everytime I start to think that I have this "good" wife thing down - God sends another bolt of discernment my way - revealing yet another part of my selfishness - which in turn makes me realize even more so how amazing his grace is towards me!

Today's Thankful Heart - Jan 16th

Today I'm thankful for many things, most small things but I'm still thankful. We serve an awesome God!

• Friday & Days off - not much more to say here! Except that Monday is a holiday and I have Tuesday off from work as well. I'll get to stay home and do homeschooling with my daughter and am going to take her to the resource center to get her signed up in the AR Reading program. She did it last year when she was at the private school she was in. I'm so happy to learn that the charter school has it available as well.
• New job - I officially start my new position when I return to work on Wednesday. I'll still be spending some days in my old department through the middle of March, however my replacement is really learning well. I used to work with her at a different company and I knew she was going to do well. She's been catching on even better than I imagined though. It will be frustrating for her a bit at first but she's going to do great when she gets it all figured out. I think she's going to do even better in the position than I did! AND she is a Christian. We've had some wonderful conversations over the past 2 weeks.
• Warm weather - the weather has been wonderful the past few days. I'm looking forward to taking the kids to the park again this weekend.
• My Husband - last but definitely NOT last! Once again I just have to brag on him. He recently bought a used computer that did not have it's hard drive. It is the same computer that we have. We had some parts that needed replacing and this used computer was cheaper than buying the parts. I came home the other day and he had both computers torn apart and by the end of the night we had our old computer back, good as new. In some cases even better. He amazes me with the things he takes care of for our family. I am truly blessed.
  

Today's Thankful Heart - Jan 10th

Today I'm thankful for:

• God's Direction - He is so amazing. A group I'm a part has been fasting and praying the past week for God's direction in this new year. He has answered each of us in different ways, but we have all received direction from Him. The fasting ended yesterday and I was beginning to think that I had missed what the Lord had to say to me, but then today He answered me very clearly. He is such an amazing and faithful God!
• Time with my children - My dear husband went into work this morning for a few hours. The kids and I ended up spending time at two different parks today and had a blast. I really need to do this more often. Then when my hubby returned home my daughter and I went to the library and picked up some books for school (she is doing a report on horses this month). Then while my husband fixed dinner the oldest two donned their new helmets and road their bikes to the park with my youngest and myself following behind on on foot. They are all sleeping good tonight!
• My Husband - Nothing in particular - I am just thankful for him and all he does for this family. I'm blessed with a man who is a very mechanical person (I definitely am not!) and he is able to fix pretty much anything. Today he took apart our laptop because where the screen attaches to the laptop has become loose. He is always taking care of things for our family like this. He is an amazing man and he takes wonderful care of our family.

Serving Christ in your Marriage

"It doesn't take a good man, or even a saved man, for a woman to have a heavenly marriage, but it does take a woman willing to honor God by being the kind of wife God intended."
~ Created to be his Helpmeet, Chapter 5: The Gift of Wisdom

We must remember, in loving our husbands God is not asking anything of us that He has not already done himself for us. Even if we believe our husband is horrible we need to remember how many times we've been horrible to God, basically spit in His face and turned from Him. Even so He chose to faithfully love us anyway and serve us by giving His life for us, by continuing to pursue us with His unconditional love.

He will give us the strength and wisdom to love our husbands the same way He loves us, if we but ask.

"You serve Christ by serving your husband, whether your husband deserves it or not."
~ Created to be his Helpmeet, Chapter 5: The Gift of Wisdom

God calls us to love him first with all our heart, mind and soul. After that His next commandment is to love our neighbor as ourself.

Who is your neighbor? Anyone with whom we come in contact. Not just our friends and those who are easy to love - but everyone. Even our enemies. Especially our enemies! God tells us to pray for our enemies and He tells us our battle is not against flesh and blood.

If we can't love the person we share our home and lives with, who can we love? Some women unfortunately see their husbands as the enemy. I honestly have done so at times myself. But God wants us to see that He placed our husband's in our lives for a reason, and it was not to be our enemy. But if that is how we do see them, then the first step is to pray for our enemy and ask God to show us how to love our enemy. Ask Him to show us how to see our husband through His Eyes. Show us how to have His Heart for our husband. That is the beginning of a heavenly marriage in this imperfect world.

"Women who have difficulties in their marriages usually follow their feelings and just react. But you must stop trusting your hurt responses or the advice you receive from the world, for today's media communicates a worldview that is skewed at best."
~Created to be his Helpmeet, Chapter 5: The Gift of Wisdom

Until recently this was me, reacting to my husband and situations in my marriage based on my hurt responses. Some of them were legitimate, some were not. Regardless, reacting based on the hurt only harms my marriage. I'm slowly learning to serve Christ through my marriage and to react in love towards my husband in all situations. Everyone we know and are close to will hurt us at some time, especially someone you live with and are intimate with. The key is how we respond. I will admit I still have times when I revert back to my old hurt responses (happened this last weekend in fact) however, when that happens we need to ask for forgiveness, ask God for His wisdom and His heart to continue on and start afresh.