Will I ever sleep again?

Last Friday, SUM broadcast their second installment for the Intentional Marriage.  Dineen led this webcast and did an amazing job.  The message was inspiring and encouraging and she introduced us to Mr. Wonderful!  Check it out.  It is a great message on how to love our husbands just the way they are and how to let go of unrealistic expectations we may have.

One part of the Intentional Marriage is a monthly meme.  We are once again giving advice to our younger selves.  This month Lynn and Dineen asked us to speak about a quirk or habit of our beloved that has been with him since we first got married and give advice to our younger self regarding this quirk.

I've given this some thought over the last few days and decided that the quirk that I probably could have used the most advice about when we were first married is my beloved's snoring.  I know many men snore and I've heard the complaints before and I'm sure there are other men who snore much worse than my husband.  However, to give you an idea, we went camping with another couple in Yellowstone one summer when we were first married.  We had two small one-man tents that each couple squeezed into.  My husband slept diagonally in our tent - head in one corner and feet in the opposite corner.  I lay curled up with his back as my pillow.  I awoke in the middle of the night to the whispers of my friend.

"Brian, Brian!  Wake up.  I think there is a bear out there!"

I calmly whispered back to her, "It's okay.  It's just Shaun's snoring.  We won't have to worry about bears, none will come within miles of us."

I remember early in our marriage asking my father, who worked in a sawmill, if I could take some of his earplugs so I could wear them at night.  That at least helped me get to sleep, although they often fell out during the night and then I had a scavenger hunt in the morning trying to find them. 

At one point I realized that if he slept on his stomach the snoring was not as bad.  I would often wake up and try to get him to roll over.  He is very hard to wake up so this often resulted in him still being asleep but fighting me.  There were many mornings where he would wake up and ask me if he had been snoring the night before.  He could tell because his arm was sore where I had been tugging and pulling (and sometimes hitting, I hate to admit) his arm in my desperate attempt to get him to roll over.  One night I remember actually laying on the bed sideways, bracing me feet against his side and holding onto the side of the bed and pushing as hard as I could.  That worked temporarily as he stopped snoring as he hit the bedroom floor.  But alas, he did not even wake up - only rolled over on the floor and began snoring again!

So...what advice would I give myself?  I'm still honestly not sure.  I would definitely tell myself not to get so frustrated with him though.  I think a part of me often felt like he was doing this on purpose.  Crazy I know, but who can fathom the reason of a young bride's mind.  I do realize I should have probably done more research to find ways to help him instead of just getting angry with him.  As the years have gone by his snoring has actually gotten better for various reasons.  And I think a part of me has just gotten used to it as well.  Now I actually miss it when he is not sleeping with me, it is almost too quiet.

And after having children, I began snoring myself.  He now has begun to get a taste of what I dealt with when we were first married.

But seriously to get back to the point of this meme - regarding this quirk and every quirk of my dear husband - if I could go back and talk to myself on my wedding day I would remind myself to not take myself or life's little annoyances too seriously (Some advice I should probably give to myself right now!).  To cherish the little quirks about my husband that annoy me at times because someday I will miss those same things when he is gone.  And I have plenty of quirks of my own and I can't expect him to be forgiving of mine if I am not able to look past his.  And I would tell myself to invest in some good earplugs that won't fall out.

As I write this  I was reminded of something someone shared awhile back on Facebook (I think it may have been Lynn!) and I think now is a good reminder for it.  Please take some time and watch this video.  Then take some time to appreciate all those little quirks about your beloved that make them who they are, those things that you will one day miss.

Advice to My Younger Self

Dineen and Lynn just started a new endeavor over at SUM called the Intentional Marriage.  I was fortunate to be able to watch their first live broadcast and it was amazing.  I'm so excited for this new project.  I believe God's fingerprints are all over this and it will bring hope and inspiration to many women and help to bring healing to many marriages.

Each month we viewers will have a chance to participate by doing a meme challenge.  This month's challenge was to look back to our wedding day and give our younger selves advice about what we've learned over the past years.  It can be humorous, practical or just a positive bit of wisdom that we wished we had known back then.

I just celebrated 15 years of marriage last month to my high school sweetheart.  As I look back to my younger self (and I was young - only 20!) I know there are so many many things that I have learned, but the last few days I've found it hard to put these things into words.  I wish I could say I've got it all figured out now and that if I had the opportunity to step into a time machine I could tell my younger self everything I need to know to ensure I live happily ever after.  But alas, we live in reality, not a fairy tale.  And even 15 years later I don't have it all figured out yet.   I imagine in 15 more years I may only be slighthly less lost than I am now.

However, as I sit here a few things do come to mind.  Things I've learned that I wish I had discovered earlier in order to avoid some pain and heartache - both mine and my husband's.

First, I probably would have waited a bit longer.  Heather over at Behind the Scenes gave this advice and I could not agree with her more.  I'm not sure that I would not have married my beloved if I had waited a while longer - although I think I still may have.  However, more time to get to know each other better would probably have helped us to avoid many obstacles we've dealt with over the years.  We were both very young and really did not yet know what we wanted for our lives.  We were high school sweethearts and suddenly found ourselves in a long distance relationship when my beloved went to Arizona for school, while I stayed behind in Washington State.  I had alot of insecurities back then that I've just started to work through recently.  Those same insecurities I believe caused me to rush into a marriage that most likely would have benefited from knowing one another a bit better before we started trying to share a small 480 sq ft university housing apartment.  Don't get me wrong, I don't regret marrying my husband and I still love him dearly.  However, I think we both would have avoided alot of misunderstandings and pain if we had taken the time to really get to know one another before we were married. 

Second, I would remind myself that we do not live in a fairy tale.  Love is not just an emotion, it is a choice we make daily.  It is a putting aside of ourselves to understand the needs of the other person.  Marriage is not 50/50 like I thought back then.  We both need to give 100% or more to make it work, even if the other person is not giving or putting forth their fair share.  Marriage is not about holding grudges and it is not about keeping score.  It is about trying to look past our own insecurities and offenses to understand the person with whom we have chosen to share our lives.

I often look back to that first couple years we were married and I'm amazed we survived.  We went from seeing each other every 6 - 9 months to living in a very very small apartment.  We fought over everything, including whose toothbrush went in which hole in the holder.  People would ask how long we'd been married and when we told them they would smile and make a remark about the "honeymoon" stage.  I remember looking at my husband thinking if this was the honeymoon stage, we were in trouble!  I think part of the problem is that we did not communicate much before we were married.  Neither of us had realistic expectations and neither of us knew or understood the other's expectations.  I joke now that when we first married my reaction was "We are married!  Now we will spend every minute together!" while my husband's reaction was "We are married!  Now I can spend more time with my friends without feeling like I'm neglecting her."  Needless to say, that did not get us off to a good start.

I'm learning more and more every day how important honest and open communication is in a marriage.  We can't expect the other person to read our minds or even read between the lines.  And in addition, to communication we need to work on not getting offended.  We need to try to look past our hurt feelings to understand what is driving our spouse.

As part of this month's challenge, Lynn also encouraged us to post pictures from our wedding day.  So here are a few of my favorites.  I had to take pictures of my pictures with my phone so please look past the weird color and fuzziness.

Our 1st Dance as Husband & Wife